


am i allowed to look at her like that?

by phoenyxies



Series: BeauJes Week 2019 [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Beaujester Week, But not in a creepy way, Denial of Feelings, F/F, Fluff, Jester says No Homo, Roommates, Sexuality Crisis, Watching Someone Sleep, compulsatory heterosexuality, kind of bittersweet, lesbian Jester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2020-07-20 14:35:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19993822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenyxies/pseuds/phoenyxies
Summary: Jester has trouble sleeping one night, and finds herself thinking about her best friend.(formally titled "and she smells like lemongrass and sleep")





	am i allowed to look at her like that?

**Author's Note:**

> [ song for today's prompt ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gEdZFhCEjWI)   
> 

Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen little lines in the fifty-sixth plank of wood from the left. Jester held back the urge to groan, and instead shifted up in the creaky bed she settled in a few hours earlier. 

Beau had been asleep when she had finally gotten to their room, with Fjord and Caduceus bunking in another and Caleb and Nott on another. The window was open just a bit, since they were on a high floor so no one could sneak it, and the room was completely dark.

The only noises were the occasional creaking of the house, and Beau’s snoring from the other side of the room. Jester could see the ceiling above them with ease, so she had occupied herself by counting the little grooves and details of the wooden planks.

Jester didn't know why she was so restless tonight. She was always raring to go, always bouncing around with infinite energy because she had to be prepared for whatever was thrown at her or her friends. But usually, she would go to sleep the moment her head hit her pillow. Sometimes she'd even get to float for a few minutes in the haze of sleeping-but-not-asleep before drifting off peacefully. On the worst nights, she'd wake from a nightmare where it was dark and she couldn't see and her friends were dying or already dead. But tonight, her eyes just wouldn't droop, and her head was busy with so many thoughts.

At this point she didn't really know if she would prefer a nightmare over this.

The nightmares were bad and terrible and sometimes she would think about them for way too long and have to draw more than she usually does. On the other hand, though, every time she woke up from a nightmare, Beau was right there. She glanced over to where her friend was sleeping.

Beau’s arm was slung over her head, and as Jester watched the rise and fall of her chest she found herself looking at more of her.

Beau didn't normally go to sleep with all of her robes on, Jester came to notice. She always went to sleep in her breast-wraps, and whatever pants she had on. Jester kind of admired that, since she always changed into the one nightgown she owned when they had rooms at an inn. Beau took her hair out of her bun too, and would sometimes have Jester help her put it back up. Oh, once she even got to brush out her hair too, when Jester had admittedly worn her down with a lot of pleading and begging. She felt a smile tug at her lips with the memory of Beau’s grumpy face, and how pretty her hair looked when it was smooth and down, and the dark brown of her cheeks that had started to grow when Jester told her how amazing she looked. After that, helping Beau brush out her hair had became more of a regular thing, and Jester loved it.

Scooting over her already messy bed sheets, Jester perched on the side of her bed with her legs folded into her lap. She just sat there, and watched Beau for a few more seconds.

Beau was always there when she had her nightmares, she realized. Jester blinked. 

Jester always tried to be there for Beau’s too, but she rarely ever had them. When Jester would wake, with sweat soaking her nightgown and the fuzzy static of not knowing what was real and what wasn't, it took Beau only a few seconds to wake up and ask what had happened. Jester’s smile grew. 

Beau shifted, her snoring faltering for a second, and Jester froze. After a second, Beau snored again. Jester sighed under her breath and bundled herself back up in her blankets. She began to chew at her lower lip, eyes moving to the warped floorboards below her. 

Why did she get all scared when Beau looked like she was going to wake up? That was weird, it's not like she was doing anything wrong. She was just watching her friend sleep, it's not weird, right? There's no reason for it to be weird.

Jester didn't even like girls. Not that liking girls was a bad thing. She knew plenty of people who liked girls or boys or girls and boys or people who weren't either or whatever! It was super cool but just not for Jester. Jester liked the hunks in her romance novels, she loved Oskar and Romanov and Stefan and every rippling muscle-covered man who could ever be drawn on the covers of her books. Even the pretty guys she sometimes saw in the streets and she could be like “Ooh, he's pretty and I would totally let him come into my carriage if you know what I mean,” and then Beau would laugh and her smirk would get that little happy upturn and her dimple in her right cheek would show and Jester would stare really hard so she could memorize it to draw later and that was it. Jester liked guys, and girls weren't for her.

She glanced back over to Beau’s slumbering silhouette. Well. Maybe girls weren't for her, but she had a huge imagination and she had read plenty of lady and lady romance novels so it wouldn't be weird to be _hypothetical_ about it. 

Hypothetically, Beau was really pretty. Like, Jester liked to sit on the bed when Beau did stretches and sit ups in the slow mornings. She would ramble on and on, and kinda do little doodles in her sketchbook as she talked but mostly Jester would watch Beau. She would look at how defined her muscles were, and how her skin with scattered scars and scrapes would look in the dim light of the sunrise. Sometimes she'd even do doodles of Beau, and they always came out really nice because of the subject. Beau had such nice hair, and Beau’s features were sharp and angular, jutting out to a point but always curving back in. She was all harsh lines and solid shapes, which made it all the more fascinating when Jester got to see the little moments when Beau was just a little softer. Sometimes, Beau would talk about something and the lines that were carved deep into the clay of her cheeks would lessen just a bit, or when Jester made a particularly funny joke or when she showed Beau some of the stuff she was drawing. 

Jester squirmed around until her blanket was on her shoulders, and padded over as quietly as possible to Beau’s bed. She stood there and watched, noting how soft Beau looked when she was sleeping too. She looked peaceful, almost, the tiefling noted with a small little smile. Beau shifted again, rolling onto her side and facing away from Jester. The shapes of her muscles, shoulder bones, and small scars were outlined in a soft glow from the moonlight that even Jester could notice with her greyscale eyesight. Her hand itched to move forward, and trace the lines with a light fingertip. 

Beau was also really strong. Not physically, because she was more suited to her monk powers than for lifting or for wrestling or whatever, but Beau had a really strong mind too. She could be really stubborn, like the times when Jester was all super tired and Beau would try and make her take the fluffier bed and Jester would say no but say yes anyways because it was Beau who was asking. It was Beau with the look in her eyes, and her toned arms crossed over her chest, and her familiar satisfied smirk when Jester would give in. 

Beau was smart, and could help the group figure things out really quickly and when there was a fight she never seemed to get confused or not know what to do. She always knew what to do, and Jester really liked that. She admired it. 

She was also a good friend. When Jester got sad, she was always there. She always said nice things and tried to cheer Jester up and would never take no for an answer if Jester didn't tell her anything. It was hard to keep a secret with Beau around.

Jester slowly reached forward, fingers extended to brush against Beau’s arm in an experimental tap. Beau didn't react at all, and feeling a little more sure, Jester laid her palm on Beau’s warm skin and gave her bicep a soft squeeze.

With a quiet hum, Beau shifted, and her hand moved to clasp over Jester’s. Her heart swelled, in the small moment of affection, and Jester bit her lip.

…. If Jester was being _hypothetical_ , she thought to herself, then she could _maybe_ see her and Beau be a little closer. _Maybe_ she would think about holding Beau’s hand for longer than a few seconds, and about holding her gaze with her own when it's just the two of them in their room. _Maybe_ , just maybe, she could possibly think about what it might be like to kiss Beau. Or kiss a girl like Beau. Maybe. It would be soft, and sweet, and Beau would probably taste like copper and honey and her lips would be chapped from broken skin and days of camping. Beau’s hand would be just as calloused and rough like usual, and her blunt nails would scrape just a little against Jester’s scalp when the two were locked in what could be a very passionate kiss. Maybe she could imagine it. Maybe she would imagine about it for a while.  
She kept her attention away from how her fingers were trembling, and instead pulled her hand away. Jester wordlessly shifted Beau’s bedsheets until she could slip her feet under them, climbing in behind Beau. Her blanket was abandoned on the floor as she carefully pulled Beau into her chest, nuzzling into the crook between her neck and her shoulder. Beau mumbled a bit, in her sleep, before blearily cracking an eye open to look at Jester 

“You good, Jes?” her words were slow, and dripping with sleep. It felt so foreign to Jester, with the feeling like you just got to see something no one else ever got to see before. She swallowed down the lump in her throat.

“Just a dream, Beau.” she answered quietly, arms tightening around Beau’s waist, and the human gave a weak pat to Jester’s arm with a few inaudible mumbles before she fell asleep again. Jester sighed against Beau’s neck, and squinted her eyes shut.

Just for a moment, she would imagine her and Beau had something more. But only for tonight, because Jester liked boys and girls weren't for her.

(But were they, she thought to herself, consciousness started to fade, if they were so nice to look at?)

**Author's Note:**

> today's prompt was roommates, and the song was she by dodie clark!
> 
> (and yes ik there's another work with the same title but i can't change the title it doesn't feel right soooo, whoops. i did change it to "and she smells like lemongrass and sleep" but i don't like it so here we go aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa)


End file.
